Posted by: akilamoni | February 15, 2009

Yellammaism

So you think getting married to a guy who is the only child at home is easy?

Psst, by Indian standards, getting married to a guy who has no sisters(to marry off) or brothers(whose wives I have to tackle) is the highest order of luck for a girl.

Little did I know that I was getting married into a family where I would be bestowed upon with the goodluck of dealing with three mother-in-laws. Who are they you ask?

  • Usha,
  • Lalsan(Usha Aunty’s sister)
  • Yellamma

Now you ask who Yellamma is? Yellamma happens to be Usha Aunty’s maid.

My first encounter with this walking talking terror mechanism was on the day of my engagement. This thin wiry creature  walked in with much enthusiasm while I was sitting on the window sill.After the introductions were done, she went to proclaim that she has been around since Pip was a baby(to which Pip was shaking his head vigorously indicating that a big lie had been neatly tucked into the statement).After which she proceeded to ask me to get up and stand as a mark of respect to all the elders present. Oops.

Sorry Yellamma- not already and not on my engagement day!

In fact Yellama has quite a few tactics up her sleeve.

In her last birth she must have been a quack, because she is convinced that the juice obtained from squashing Guava leaves can cure even AIDS.  She claims that she has cured Usha Aunty of many an illness with the same. So if Usha Aunty(who is a great believer in natural stuff) asks her to get some neem leaves, Yellamma will promptly get her Guava leaves!!!

Yellamma believes that she will get a cold if she eats during winter.

All the misery in her life (according to her) started when her cows died. In her version of the story, she had twenty five cows(read 5-6) and each of them would respond to her voice(which sounds like she has swallowed a blade and has loudspeaker built into her voice box). So when these cows contracted some mysterious disease and died she believed that someone was trying black magic on them.

Her life fell apart after the cows died. Her son got caught in the act of molesting a girl(really!) and was an active member of a gang which used to loot homes and were nothing less than goondas. But in Yellamma’s world, it is her brother-in-law doing the same black magic on her son, that killed her cows. The son was later arrested and has also been released and now lives in an undisclosed location,which she claims to not know.

She takes her children/relatives to the temple priest mid way through the doctor’s treatment when they are sick in hope of curing them. If they dont get better, she blames the doctor!

When Pip’s family was traveling to Coimbatore for the wedding, Yellamma was in charge of the house. Usha Aunty got a call from her on the day of the wedding- Yellamma had locked herself  out.

She implores me to not touch my dog Munni with my feet, because she believes Munni is actually Usha Aunty’s ancestor in disguise.She in fact wanted to call the dog Divya(which is way better than the flower seller wanting to calling the dog Srinivasa-Munni is a bitch btw)

Once when I offered her some dinner, she refused because she was sick from having the lunch (in Usha Aunty’s house) which was full of salt, thinking I had made the food. Usha Aunty was traveling to Chennai and I was in charge of home. Little did she know that I was recycling what Usha Aunty had made the previous day! When I mentioned this to her she sang songs of praise for the rasam that I had just made.

She begs Uncle to not buy veggies on his own hereafter and instead send me to shop, so that I can  learn to shop for household stuff. How kind!

She recently told Usha Aunty that she was very happy- I repeat she was very happy with me cooking every weekend. She was fearing that I would starve Pip, when I actually get to live with him.

She hates me calling Usha Aunty and often dictates that I should call her mom.

Usha Aunty has her fair share, actually more than fair share of trouble with her. When she instructs Yellamma to clean the garden, Yellamma who has powers to read stars retorts back that she would do it two days later because the starts are not good to cut grass today.

Remove the weeds- not when the marriage fixed.
In fact I think Yellamma is Usha’s mother in law also. The other day, I heard her shouting at Usha Aunty for wasting some vegetables, that hadn’t been cooked until then. The other day she was having a conversation with the maid from the neighbour’s house. We overheard her tell her,”Madam hardly cooks at home. She buys food most of them time from hotels.”

–This is when Usha Aunty cooks for her, even if she is invited  for lunch outside.
She once very convincly shouted at the postman for a bringing a letter that was addressed to “Ananthalakshmi”. Usha Aunty thankfully caught the poor guy who was terrorized by then on time to get my letter. Yellamma was upset no one had told her my real name.

Yellamma will not stay in the house when Usha Aunty is not in station, because she very shyly says,”How can I stay in the house, when only Sir is there”!!!!!!

Yellamma also jumps the gate when there is no key around.

She has traveled with forest brigand Veerappan in the same bus, in fact he was sitting right next to her(or so she claims).She has certified that he was a very good man.

Think I need to beat up Pip. He has told her to take care of me.

Usha Aunty’s greatest dream is to donate Yellamma away to any willing family for free. She often thinks of given her a long period of paid leave. But every morning(rather afternoon) begins with waiting for Yellamma. Munni faithfully waits to be beaten up by her. I wait for her every weekend, to see her walk in, chewing her betel leaves for the much needed laffs for a relaxing weekend.

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Responses

  1. I think every house has atleast one minimum maid story to tell. You lucked in some ways. Atleast you don’t have to put up with a maid exclaiming things in Marathi after closely examining your neck and hand. I to date have no clue if she was complimenting something or finding fault with something. The old maid in my grandmother’s place was very upset with my grandmother for letting her grnaddaughters study after 10th. If she had her way, I would have five around my feet by now and heavily weighed with gold.

  2. Hi akila,
    this post was a good read..can visualize the scene with the postman.
    Been reading your blog for awhile now. Which college you go to over the weekend, been planning to take the course sometime..

  3. @ preethi aka priya
    totally….yellamma has grand daughters with fancy names of nethra kavitha etc…..who i dont thin are studying!

    @priya: hi priya… good to know ur reading my blog…do u have a blog too?
    I goto st.josephs for the course….they will start the next one around July/Aug

  4. 🙂 LOL!!! This is one funny post… something I’ve not come across in sometime… u should have pointed her out in your reception… 🙂

  5. Mine would be a messy house without the maid..though I hardly ever get to see her on weekdays because she comes at her own leisure in the afternoon but in a way its a blessing in disguise..you leave an untidy house in the morning and voila you return to an orderly one in the evening..works wonders for the mood..and in the weekends she manages to complete her chores in that part of the day when neither my flatmate ore me are around..most of the instructions are given over phone..the good part is that she doesn’t interfere at all..infact she is prone to make such a sorry face at questioning her on unsceduled leaves or unsatisfactory work that we leave it at that 🙂

  6. @Adi,

    Totally. In Gurgaon, I had a maid who would come in the afternoon and whatte goddess she was. She still calls me. She used to ask me questions on geography so that she could teach her child…

    But Adi, I cant even imagine you rebuking someone for being on leave or work quality!!!!

    Do you have a blog….plz pass on the link if u do….

    @Sanga: She was there….. bullying every1!

  7. I’ve left the personnel management for the flat to my room mate, the cook and the maid report into him.. realised i wasn’t very good in managing them..cheers 🙂

  8. hey akila, sorry for littering your comment box…i can be reached at http://versesontherun.wordpress.com/

  9. Just dropping by.Btw, you website have great content!

    ______________________________
    Powerhouse Strategies And Tips To Increase Your Odds Of Getting Pregnant

  10. What a character!
    When are you supposed to actually live with Pip?

  11. Why silent for the past few weeks or a month. would like read ur blog. very interesting. U know that I am ur fan.

  12. I had this babysitter who cried buckets and ate uncooked bread with water for breakfast, lunch AND dinner whenever i disobeyed her 😀


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